Thursday, April 20, 2006

This Situation Would Register As A Number One On The Panic Scale, Mother


Something I've taken to discussing with my mom is her tendency, or inability rather, to produce varying levels of panic. A rabid pack of rottweilers devouring her first born child, or realizing that she had forgotten the shopping list would evoke dangerously similar reactions. Because of her habit of doing this, I have suffered countless panic attacks wherein my mind goes through a stream-of-conciousness thought process that includes believing that someone has been run over by a semi, put their arm through a meat grinder, or ingested bleach. Usually my thoughts are cut off by my mom saying something like "Damnit, the cashier charged me twice for the organic bananas."

I've suggested a system that involves DEGREES of panic, stress, etc. in hopes that maybe, after seeing me clutch my heart and stop breathing, she would adopt it and actually put it to use. Alas, I think we need to take baby steps and this is more like giant ones. Maybe we could implement different catch phrases? Things like 1. Oh gosh darn that's too bad. 2. Whoa, not good. and 3. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THIS IS SERIOUS! I think that might bring a little more clarity to her life and mine, but mostly mine.

Tonight as I was studying she cried out in frustration about something, consequently causing my blood pressure to sky rocket. I whipped around to look at her, what she was doing, and ultimately what was wrong, only to see a big "GAME OVER" on her computer screen.

"God damnit, I was almost at that level with the red teddy bears. The red teddy bears are so much better than the pigs and cows, but you have to beat so many levels to get there and I was soooo close. Whatever, this game is so stupid and it's making me blind. I'm going to bed," she professed as she got up and left the computer.

8 Comments:

Blogger dbuc said...

haha...maybe you could have a warning system like in the state, and your mom could hold out cards indicating which level of worry she has. this could be useful for long distance anguish, like at a park, or from across the house. however, not useful if you are upstairs and can't see her...maybe a voice system is better, you're right.

6:14 AM  
Blogger lowercasecarmen said...

Maybe I could make her a buzzer with different sounds. Like birds chirping, squeaky brakes, and then a fog horn...

11:18 AM  
Blogger lowercasecarmen said...

I do like the long distance idea though dan, you have the innovation factor down pat.

11:19 AM  
Blogger lowercasecarmen said...

Hahahaha, update on the mother front:

"Fuc-udge, er...zero point five."

She's deffinately trying.

3:31 PM  
Blogger dbuc said...

haha...it does appear that way. make sure you give her lots of positive reinforcement.

5:27 PM  
Anonymous whitney said...

Ha. I think our mothers share a similar ilness. I'll explain...No wait, I won't. Let's just say that she once reacted so heavily that I was convinced someone close to me was severely mangled in a coffin somewhere. Turns out it was just cancer!

...

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap (0.005) Carmen, That "Shitface" blog entry shows a LOT of pent up anger in you!!
MOM

12:10 AM  
Blogger dbuc said...

mom, if that's who you really are, good observation on carmen. very pent up, and very angry. she must be very tough to deal with at home. i applaud you.

10:45 AM  

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